Ex-Mormon Stories

This is the final portion of Rainfeather’s story.  To start at the beginning, be sure to check out Part One and Part Two.

This is how the situation remained for the next four years. I thought that I would just go on that way, never being absolutely sure if the Church was true or not, accepting the possibility that it might not be, but leaving the door open to the possibility that it still could be true. But after four years, I realized that I couldn’t leave it that way. I had to know for sure and deal with the situation once and for all. Was I going back, or was I leaving for good?

I’d attended the funeral of a friend’s mother and realized how much I missed the social connection. I hadn’t been to that chapel in four years and realized that I’d really missed my friends. They were so happy to see me and their warm welcome confused me. But I had to be true to myself and find out if I could go back. I didn’t know if I could ever regain my testimony and I couldn’t attend church if it was a lie.

Once I started studying on-line, the first thing that I discovered was the Proposition 8 battle going on in California. That took me straight back to the petition from about ten years before that I’d felt pressured to sign. They lied to us! They promised that they would never get involved in politics, and yet here they were, fighting other people’s civil rights and getting actively involved in politics.

I was shocked, appalled, horrified and disgusted. I couldn’t believe that people in Utah were fighting the rights of individuals in California. What about agency? How could they possibly justify trying to take away the agency and civil rights of others? These were people who had nothing to do with them, and were hurting no one, but were only trying to live their own lives.

By clicking on several links while I searched online, for the first time I felt brave enough to read some sites which would be considered as anti-Mormon sites by the Church. At first, I’d read a bit, feel nervous and leave the site. That Mormon conditioning would kick in, telling me that I shouldn’t be there.

Back in 1998, I’d been an LDS chat room host. Facing criticism about the Church on a daily basis, I’d bought several books on answering anti-Mormon questions. I thought that I was an expert on such things and prided myself in knowing all of the deepest aspects of the Gospel. As a chat room host I had even managed to help bring an ex-Mormon back into the Church. But I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I tried to stay away, but kept being drawn back to these sites.

I quickly found that some of the anti-Mormon sites contained some pretty silly theories about the Church and I couldn’t really take them seriously. I decided to leave them alone.

The sites which attracted me the most were the ex-Mormon sites. These people were just like me. Many had truly loved the Church and wanted it to be true. They did not have it in mind to destroy their testimonies, but they couldn’t deny the information they were finding. It was just as devastating to them as it was for me. Some of them had lost loved ones because of the truths that they’d found and couldn’t deny. It was heartbreaking.

The fact that I was the only Church member in my family used to be difficult for me, but for the first time I realized that I was the lucky one. My family was supportive of me leaving. I’m very grateful for the wonderful on-line ex-Mormon community that I found.

When I first realized that the Church was not what it purported to be, I was frightened. The LDS Church teaches you that if you have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel and then leave, that it would be better for you had you never been born. That’s absolutely terrifying. Now I’ve learned about cults and how they manipulate you with fear.

This report is long enough as it is, so I won’t go into the extremely long list of problems I found with the ‘real’ history of the Church, as opposed to what I’d been taught was the Church’s history. I was devastated and shocked by what I’d found. Again, they lied to me! I was really angry at this point.

I remember one specific moment when I sat back in my computer chair and thought, “It’s not true! Oh my gosh! It’s actually, really not true!” That thought had never really occurred to me before, but I’m pretty sure that the light bulb moment came after I discovered that the Book of Abraham was indisputably, absolutely 100% not what the Church claimed it to be. That immediately called the Book of Mormon origins into question, so I studied further.

The list of proofs is long, but suffice it to say that my testimony is now that I’m absolutely certain that the Church is not true. Joseph Smith was not a prophet. He was a money digging, immoral, egotistical, narcissistic charlatan.

I’m furious that the Church knew about the problems with the Book of Abraham more than ten years before I was ever baptized, and yet they passed it off as scripture without so much as batting an eyelash. Now it is my task to heal. I have the help of my wonderful new online friends. I’ve lost my fear, because I’m now certain of the real truth, so I’m ready. Tomorrow, I will mail in my resignation letter.

I’m finally free to find out who I really am, and what I truly believe. I wish I’d learned the truth at a much younger age. I’m now 50. But I’m hoping that I still have many years ahead of me to learn, study and to grow. I’ve discovered how fun it is to explore all of the possibilities out there, instead of being locked into one specific mindset.

I’ll probably never be involved with organized religion again. My trust is too shattered now. But that’s okay. Being true to myself is the most important thing to me now, and I will never again allow other people, or another organization to tell me what to believe. I will be me, whoever that is. I imagine the discovery will be fun and I look forward to it.

~Rainfeather

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